Why is Monogamy Such a Difficult Concept?

Taken from urbanmoms.ca
Taken from urbanmoms.ca

There is one thing that I have just never understood and probably never will, and that’s people who cheat on their significant other.  At times I can empathize with their situation.  For example, if they are in a bad marriage or destructive relationship, cheating can happen easily out of desperation and without thinking….but what about the people who just cheat for no good reason?  I’ve known a lot of people who cheated and it baffles me.  Why do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend or even worse, a husband/wife if you have yet to learn how to keep your pants on?

If you are in a serious and committed  relationship with someone then, unless you and your partner have some other mutual understanding, you’ve made a personal choice to be with them over anyone else.  Obviously, not every relationship makes it to the alter or the 50th anniversary, but if your feelings change towards that person I don’t understand why you wouldn’t just end things rather than run around on them.  There are some who argue that they still love/like their partner so they would rather cheat than leave them.  Every time I hear that line it makes me gag.  That sounds ridiculous, you cheat because you love them?!?!  If you “loved” them enough and were in a happy and satisfying relationship, you would never risk hurting them like that and would never take a fleeting physical infatuation that far.  If you supposedly still love your partner then you need to discuss your concerns and if your needs aren’t being met you need to leave, not cheat.  I think we all know that just because you “love” someone does not mean you’re meant to be together.  I think having the urge to cheat is completely natural.  Humans are animals and of course we’re attracted to other people.  However, we’re also supposed to have more self-control and common sense than the rabbits hopping around our backyards.

Now, of course, when you’re younger (in late teens and 20s) monogamy may be a bit harder for you.  I knew plenty of people in college who cheated and I still didn’t condone it.  I mean, if you want to have fun in college by all means do so, but why not stay single and avoid hurting someone’s feelings?  Anyway, on some level I excused those transgressions because they were young and the relationships weren’t as serious…..but what about marriage?  Marriage is a completely different dynamic from an ordinary boyfriend  girlfriend relationship.  It’s a big committment and it’s definitely NOT for everyone, especially in this day and age.  Agreeing to stay committed to one person for the rest of your life is a monumental decision.  I think one big reason our divorce rates are so high is that people don’t take marriage seriously anymore.  This could also be one reason why people cheat in married relationships.  I’ve known a few people who didn’t necessarily want to be a husband/wife but for one reason or another, they’re married!  Putting yourself in situations like that just opens the door even wider to temptation.  However, the consequences of cheating in marriage are far more severe.  It could lead to an even unhappier marriage, divorce and by extension financial issues, or  have more dire consequences down the line if children are involved, not to mention the risk of STI’s and/or unwanted pregnancies.  So, why risk it?

There are a lot of different theories and speculations about why there’s so much cheating going on in our society.  Some say humans are not meant to mate for life and that its unnatural.  Others say our society has become too sex obsessed and with so much opportunity around us, infidelity is becoming the norm.  The truth is, monogamy has always been a part of human existence and so has cheating.  If you research the issue you’ll find compelling evidence that humans are meant to be unfaithful as well as evidence to the contrary.  The bottom line is humans are extremely complex creatures and no matter how we try to analyze it I think it’s all a matter of choice.  Either you choose to be committed or you don’t.  As I said, monogamy doesn’t work for everybody and that’s just fine.  You should live your life the way that best works for you and makes you happy.  If that means you’re a bachelor/bachelorette for life, more power to you.  However, if you choose to enter into a committed relationship with someone, it’s not fair to ignore the rules that come along with that attachment.  Some couples make their own rules and have open relationships, it doesn’t work for most but there are many exceptions and it seems to be becoming more common.  My point is that lying and sneaking around on your partner is flat-out wrong no matter how you try to justify it.  If you can’t handle being faithful then just stay single and spare everyone a lot of drama, pain, and heartache.

Female Trio

Taken from Homorazzi.com

So, I was watching a rerun of the Bad Girls Club on Oxygen and one of the girls said, in reference to female relationships, that trios never work.  They always fall apart.  I think I’ve heard that before but for some reason today it really got me thinking.  How much truth is really in that statement?  It’s no secret that female relationships are difficult to maintain regardless of the number of members in the group, but is a trio really worse than the rest?  I think this might be the honest to God truth.  I mean when you think about it, it makes sense.  Three is a small odd number so its more likely someone would be left out.  Five is odd too but there are more people so I feel like there would be a greater chance of everyone feeling like they were part of the group.  Three, however, can be tough.

I’m not only trying to use logic when attempting to answer this question but also my own experiences.  I’ve been in groups of three for most of my life.  First in elementary and into junior high, then in high school and into college.  Both failed miserably but in both cases I came out with a great girlfriend that I’m still friends with today.  Both became duos for different reasons.  In the first case the girl turned out to be a thieving retch and tried to get away with stealing from me.  That had nothing to do with being part of a threesome, she just turned out to be a jerk (and that putting it lightly).   The second relationship ended because we gradually grew apart.  Not only because our personalities began conflicting as we got older, but also because I grew closer with the other girl in the group.  In comes the problem with the trio:  Two members of the group become closer causing jealousy issues and feelings of abandonment in the third member.  I really believed that played a huge part in why that relationship ended.

I’m not saying all trios are doomed (although I sat and tried to think of a group of three women that are still besties and couldn’t).  I just think they must be harder to keep together than other groups, and that stinks.  I mean its hard to find really good female friends.  If you find one you’re lucky.  You may even find a second and then your blessed, but if those two close friendships become an inseparable trio be careful!  Females are dramatic, harder to please, judgemental, and sometimes just annoying.  I’m sorry but we are.  Let’s not add any more obstacles.  If you are in a trio that’s on the rocks, it may not be your fault.  Do what you would in any rocky relationship: try not to argue over petty things and communication is key.  Honestly, if we all had better communication skills my trios may have never ended.

Should You Wait For Him/Her?

Most of us have heard it all before… “I’m just not ready for a committment.”, “I’ve been hurt before.”, “Why can’t we just take things slow?”, etc.  It’s never easy when that special someone doesn’t want to take that next step with you.  That step could be anything from marriage to introducing you to the family, or even proclaiming an official relationship.  But how can you tell when you’re just wasting your time?  Should you wait, or is it time to move on?

Taken from kissingknowhow.com via Google Images

It’s not an easy question and you may not even want to know the answer.  When I had this issue I first consulted my closest friends(as most women would).  The problem with doing this is that friends often care about you so much to the point that they’re overly defensive and protective of you.  If you’re going to look for relationship advice from a friend, make sure its someone who can be semi-objective.  Otherwise you may get my results: a never ending tirade that the guy is a jerk and you need to drop him ASAP.  I made up my mind to be hard-headed, ignore my friends, and do what felt right to me.  While watching Sex and The City 2 (I love Sex and the City!), the main character, Carrie Bradshaw, said something very interesting that somewhat resonated with me.  She asked herself, can people on the outside truly understand what goes on between two people in an intimate relationship?  In my opinion, although friends may be able to help, only you have a complete understanding of the relationship that you are in.

In the end you may have to just listen to yourself and determine what you want.  If the two of you are already on the rocks then it may not be worth it to wait.  You also don’t want to be the doormat that waits and begs for six years with no result.  If you know that they care deeply about you and are sincere (in every aspect of their life), they might just be worth the wait….but make it clear that you can’t wait around forever.

Marriage In 2011?

So I want to talk about marriage in our modern-day.  This is a subject that has occupied my mind (as well as some friends) for quite some time.  Now its no secret that the U.S. has the highest divorce rate in the world, but why?  Most reasons I hear people use are that we no longer know what love means….I don’t think this is always the case.  Here are some reasons why I think the divorce epidemic is so out of control:

  1. Young and ignorant people think they’re in love after three months of infatuation and get married.  Then they have the audacity to be  shocked and depressed when a year later they’re in negotiations for a divorce.  Some say it takes a year to become truly emotionally attached to a person.  Some say it even takes two years before those unconditional feelings of love arise.  Either way, a couple of months DOES NOT make the cut.

    taken from thesocietypages.org via Google images
  2. Some people have completely lost sight of the fact that marriage was meant to be a lifelong contract.  I’ve seen many people comment on their marriage as if it’s something temporary.  I was watching Bridezillas on television and one woman said it was her “first wedding” so she wanted it to be special or something?….I wanted to ask her “I’m sorry but, are you planning on having a 2nd or 3rd?”.  I basically feel like people view marriage as something fun to do or something that will help them on their taxes, rather than a lifelong commitment.
  3. Then of course there’s the couple that fell in love, got married, thought it would be perfect but 5, 10, or 20 years down the road things start to fall to pieces.  They’re stressed, tired and angry.  They don’t have the time or patience to deal with each other so they get a divorce and claim they fell out of love.  Now naturally, not everyone is going to stay married.  Sometimes things just don’t work out.  However, I often see people hit rough patches and call it quits rather than try to work through things.  Our daily lives in 2011 are filled with so many stressors and obstacles, that we just can’t handle coming home to excess issues.  So we give up.

Now why is this subject so important to me that I had to make it my first post?  I WANT TO GET MARRIED PEOPLE!!  I have always wanted a very large and close-knit family.  It would be fairly easy for me to get married but it feels almost impossible that I will find someone in this day and age that values the institution of marriage as much as I do.  I was raised to understand that marriage is for life.  I want someone with those same values who won’t ask me for a divorce when the going gets tough.  Is that so much to ask?

Apparently it is because most people I know say they either don’t want to get married or aren’t sure, especially the guys.  Many people in my age group don’t even believe in marriage.  At an age when our parents were married with a baby on the way (not saying it was always right), we are instead out living the single life until age 29 and then wondering why we’re in our 30’s and struggling to start families.  I just feel like my generation is in need of a reality check.  If you don’t understand what marriage is then please don’t get married.  You’re worsening the divorce rate!  If you do want to get married and have a family, maybe you shouldn’t wait until the last-minute.  Freedom is great when your young.  I’m young and I don’t plan to settle down any time soon.  However, I don’t allow my temporary fun and freedom to make me forget my LONG TERM goals.

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